“I’M NOT MARRIED AND SO CAN YOU BE!” -SHAWN BOLZ.

Posted: August 22, 2008 in blogging, dating, Revelation, singleness
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IM NOT MARRIED AND SO CAN YOU BE!

So one of the most common questions by mothers that I get is “Why are you not married yet?” Some ask as if asking if there is something wrong with me. Some ask as if asking if there is something wrong with the woman in my life for not catching me yet. Some wonder even if I am gay. 

Can’t a guy catch a break? 

To build credibility with the mothers who constantly are trying to fix me up with their daughters, nieces, sisters, and even themselves, let me take you on my journey. Oh wait, if you take that previous line as arrogant then you might think that I am under the presumption that I am this amazing catch. I am only sought after because I am in the public eye to some degree…I am under no dilusions of awesomeness ::grin:: although I do think I have a great smile. I never thought I would write this into a blog, but sometimes someone else’s journey helps you have faith for your own.

FOR ME IT WAS THE FREEDOM OF BEING SINGLE THAT HE WANTED.

When I was 20 I was involved with a girl who I thought I would be with forever. I had our whole life planned out down to names for children. I had been convinced for over a while that I was going to marry this beautiful girl and I know she cared deeply for me as well. 

Then (abbreviated version) I clearly felt Jesus ask me to walk with Him for a season. He asked me to sacrifice my romantic love for Him telling me that He wanted an intimacy that was deeper but needed my attention on Him for a season. 

There was nothing wrong with my love for her, he was not punishing me. He was also not just wanting to work on my character so I could be “ready.” He was just inviting me into a walk with Him that was special and set apart. I had a choice, and I said “If you will fulfill my desires and keep me from deep loneliness then I will walk with you.” 

I felt specifically to not be in a relationship during the decade of my twenties. I wasn’t legalistic and I knew it was an invitation so I was willing to take it day by day and walk with Him this way. I wasn’t crippled by the restraint, instead I walked in a level of freedom from having to think about a mate, who she might be, what our life might be like, and I was able to completely focus on Him. 

I am so glad I chose to walk with Him in this way for so long personally because He has filled my life with opportunities that I just wouldn’t have been able to accomplish without the freedom of being fully dedicated. 

It made me wonder: What if a generation of Christians give a dedicated season where they choose not to think about a spouse or romance for a time? Of course I am not asking anyone to make this commitment or for the length of time I have but what would happen if we would allow ourselves to be set apart first?

Some people think this is very idealistic but actually, when it’s a choice, its very practical and grace based. 

Either way, if your heart is to potentially pursue the person you meet that seems right, or if you choose to be set a part, there is a lot to learn about yourself. The odds are most people don’t want to be alone, they already feel ready to pursue someone or feel lonely enough to find someone who will at least offer basic companionship but the first step is not about a relationship, it is about you. Throughout these blogs we are going to cover foundations of relationships, but it starts with singleness. Who are you?

LEARNING ABOUT YOU: THE KEY TO BEING WHO YOU NEED TO BE
“I am good enough, smart enough, and dog on it (!) People like me!.”

When you are on a journey of life, perhaps more importantly then discovering the person you may or may not marry is first to discover who you are. Having a foundation of personal identity is the key to living a fulfilled life. Many people go into relationships without any sense of self and so they look at the relationship to define who they are. This becomes dangerous and selfish.

The other thing people do is put together their dream list of what they want in someone else. I think what is more important is first putting together a dream list in what you want to see God do in you first! 

Lets put together our very own best version of our self scale that we can compare our self too. What do you want to be for someone? 

What defines your own self identity? I have a journaling project for you! Everyone get out a little notebook or open a word document you are going to begin to define your identity! 

On the first page write:

____YOUR NAME HERE___ Kick Butt Guide to Dating and Being Single Self Identity Survey

Next page write first question:

 

HOW WOULD I DESCRIBE MY ABILITY TO LOVE PEOPLE. (STAY SIMPLE AND HONEST BUT GIVE A PARAGRAPH OF STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES).

Page two:

HOW DO I DESCRIBE MY STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES IN RECEIVING LOVE FROM OTHERS. (AGAIN WRITE A PARAGRAPH OR TWO ABOUT THIS)

Page Three:

Write: WHAT ARE FIVE KEY WORDS TO DEFINE MY CORE STRENGTHS THAT MAKE UP WHO I AM? WHAT IS MY OWN PERSONAL DEFINITION OF THOSE CORE STRENGTHS? 

Page Four:

Oh Come on we are only half way done. Keep going this is going to get good!WHAT ARE FIVE KEY WORDS THAT DEFINE MY CORE WEAKNESSES THAT RESIST WHO I AM CALLED TO BE? WHAT IS MY PERSONAL DEFINITION OF EACH WORD?

Page Five:

This is a hard one to do without training or help but try it: WHAT AREAS DO I FEEL CALLED TO AS MY LIFE MISSION. DEFINE 1-5 SENTENCES THAT DESCRIBE WHAT YOUR LIFE PURPOSE OR CALLING IS. (not things like world peace, but actual dreams/goals that make up what you are hoping your life will lead you into).

Page Six

WHAT ARE THE TALENTS YOU HAVE THAT YOU ARE DEVELOPING OR HAVE DEVELOPED THAT YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP CIRCLE TO KNOW THAT YOU OPERATE IN?

Page Seven:

Here is one of the hardest pages. Be honest this is for you!
DO I LIKE MY OWN LOOKS? DESCRIBE WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON’T LIKE. WHAT WOULD I GET DONE TO MYSELF IF I HAD MY OWN EXTREME MAKEOVER? 

DO I LIKE MY OWN PERSONALITY? WHAT ARE MY RELATIONAL STRENGTHS THAT COME THROUGH MY PERSONALITY? (like: I am good at making people feel at home. I am good at hello’s and goodbye’s. I have a good sense of humor. I like my own jokes)

Page Eight:

DO I LIKE MY OWN RELATIONAL ABILITIES? 
DO I LIKE THE WAY PEOPLE RELATE TO ME?

Page Nine:

PRETEND LIKE YOU WERE SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WHO WAS INTERESTED IN YOU. LIST ALL OF THE DREAMS THEY MIGHT HAVE FOR SOMEONE. HOW DO YOU MEASURE UP?

Now what’s important about answering these types of questions is it’s the kind of survey that puts a mirror up to your own self and you start to get to know yourself. Some of you may need a journey of getting to know yourself. This happens best in knowing God and also being in relationship to others.

*END

APPOLOGIES FOR THE DELAY ON THE BLOG THIS WEEK…BUT STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEKS BLOG 4.0: “I KISSED DATING GOODBYE, AND THEN I ASKED IT OUT AGAIN.”

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