Archive for September, 2008

Qualifiers and permissions: I want to remind you that this blogging series is for adults. It is to help adults process their free will choice to pursue relationships. I believe youth have different restrictions based on their parents relationship with them then these blogs address. Also, you have permission to print/use/repost this blog if you post it in its entirety with reference to so that people can read them all in context. Lastly, remember this is my blogging so grammar, spelling, etc is not monitored for me, my comments, your comments, or anything else. FREEDOM from English class! Thanks!

BLOG 4.0

Girls stop reading. I know you’re probably going to read it anyways because girls are so nosy…but consider yourself warned: there is guy talk in this chapter. Your welcome to try, and if you can get through it as a female you will probably have learned some valuable lessons.

A story:
One of my last relationships I was in was to a girl who had an abstinence thrust in her philosophy of dating. I loved it except it meant that we couldn’t kiss until the flower girl marched her petals down the alter. This was not a deal breaker in the relationship but I wanted to know why this was so important to her.

Well…she needed the commitment, because she didn’t trust herself and me because of physical boundaries she had crossed. Despite the fact that I eventually would want some innocent lip action when we were on the true road to marriage, I honored her standards because I liked her a lot (I was even starting to like her in the way that love starts).

Now some of you just got offended because I said I wanted to kiss a girl who I am not married to. Each of us has different convictions on the issue, but let me redeem this a little…read on. 

#1 reason why break ups happen or suck = People crossed into a physical side of the relationship. 

Now that I have gained a little of my credibility back, lets talk reality.

I have mentored tons of guys. Believe it or not, the ones who were raised in the church have the same struggles as the ones who weren’t. They just struggle in a more contained way with much less experience, because of their limited amount of relationships. 

Here is what is true of all guys: If you press their “ON” button, then you have started a machine that will only feel completed when you keep feeding it. This is called lust, we all know it, we have all felt it.

The “On” Button

Now the problem is that each guys “ON” lust button is a little, if not completely, different. 

Some guys get turned ON by a look.
Some guys get turned ON by a kiss.
Some guys get turned ON by a hug.
Some guys get turned ON by kissing.
And ALL guys get turned ON by kissing more then a few kisses. Obviously there are more intentional ways to get the ON button working, but they are obvious ways and we don’t need to go there.

When the “ON” button gets pushed anything and everything that happens from that point is like missile command pressing the big irreversible red button – there is no turning back. The interaction will end in your pants and shame, even if she’s not the one to go there with you. 

The other problem about our “ON” button is that it changes from day to day depending on how good we feel, how our hormones are interacting with our mind that day, or how hot she is (I mean how spiritual and Godly she is…yeah that’s it..) So that means we have a responsibility to set some personal standards so that we keep that “ON” button closed behind a bullet proof glass box just like missile command.


1 Set physical boundaries based on your own human weaknesses and strengths. 

Each relationship is different and just because the last girl’s hugs didn’t turn you on doesn’t mean the next ones won’t. Some have just the right way of hugging or the right pressing that will affect you differently. If your “ON” button starts with the lips, learn to love holding her hands. 

Special note: Until you are ready to make a commitment, any lip action will lead you down an emotional connected road that will push the relationship faster then you want to go.

Some people can kiss without going to the dark place – but everyone will get there if the kisses are just right…remember the analogy of the big red “ON” button? 

2 Don’t make your physical standards based on just your own strengths and weaknesses, but also based on hers. 

Did you know that one out of four women have been molested and that while 15% of them shut down sexually after this, studies show that another 40% are more willing to cross physical boundaries because of this. This means that you have to set physical boundaries based on getting to know her in her experience or lack their of. Believe it or not, many of the guys I have taken through inner healing were not the aggressor in the physical sexual relationship. 

3 Don’t let her set the boundaries in a physical relationship alone. 

Many guys will not make the first move but it is DANGEROUS to let your gal pal dictate the physical boundaries. Many guys will only do what the girl is comfortable with, but when a guys “ON” button is pressed, he will follow her down any path she leads. So if you are letting a gal pal set the boundaries, she may not even know what she is inviting from you and it may spiral down to the uh oh realm. 

Let me give you an example. (I have changed the names in this story so the guys name is Brick because most guys are dumb as a brick when hormones are involved. The girls name is Dolores (which means causer of pain, because most women are when it comes to hormones outside of marriage).

Brick and Dolores

Brick was with Dolores for their second outing and at the end of the date she began to kiss on his face cutely. Then it turned even more fun and she began to kiss him on the mouth. Brick had never felt this good and had never kissed this long. Then guilt hit him that he felt so good because it was showing (if you don’t get that then don’t try).

Dolores pressed into the kissing but Brick being a good boy said “No, wait, we better not…” Or some desperate exasperation. Then Dolores wanted to help Brick as a man feel good and not get frustrated…so…some things happened (don’t use your imagination) and Brick felt awful. He felt like he took advantage of Dolores (he had) but he had never been touched like that (still don’t use your imagination).

He came to me for prayer and counsel. I asked him “Brick I know this was new to you but has she done this before in other relationships?”

He didn’t know. He found out later that she had been molested at a young age and ever since had been sexually confused about boundaries and now was enjoying but hating herself for helping her boyfriends out. She had crossed this line a few times.


You know what awakens the Brick’s in us the most? When you begin a physical relationship without setting boundaries based on you and your partners needs and weaknesses. Without being honest with your weakness AND your partners weaknesses you are setting yourself up for failure. As soon as you get past the point of hugs, then its good to know a little about what you are dealing with in each other. If you are a Brick, then Dolores won’t fail with you because you will have grace for her weakness and inner healing journey…and she for yours if you need one.

4 Set Boundaries on the Time You Spend. 

Its so fun in dating to just hang out, and keep hanging out…and keep hanging out. But then pretty soon that’s all a couple does all day and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. When you get into a relationship, it is so important to set boundaries on how you are going to spend your time. Just planning and time management…so when its midnight and you are cuddling on a couch all alone watching a little TV and the old movie Top Gun comes on, the “Take My Breath Away” scene doesn’t suddenly throw you into a downward spiral ending with babies. 

Setting boundaries on time and managing your schedule on how much time you will spend, the kind of activities you will do, and even how late you will be together is a HUGE key to successfully dating and staying out of trouble. Most guys are most vulnerable when they are tired and goalless. This happens for me after about midnight. If I was dating I would just like to sit close on a couch and talk. But if you are alone, this can turn into laying on the couch and then a cute kiss and then…oops there it is! I think when you get into a dating relationship you have to decide together what is healthy and not compromise that amount of time.

It is also good to ask some of the friends and authority figures who you are involved with how they perceive your relationship. Do they see it as all consuming or balanced? That is huge when planning your future time spending together.

When you do begin to compromise and spend too much time (like every waking hour together) you are crossing a line of what is healthy because it means you are isolating from other relationships. People who spend this type of time together are almost always also neglecting their relationship with God. That means that you are sacrificing Jesus at the alter of worldly romance, not to mention your other friendships. This leads us to number six:

5 Stay involved with your other friends. 

Most people who fail in relationship whether physically or emotionally have one major thing in common: They isolate from the rest of their friends and spend all their time with their new girl. This is one of the most unhealthy ways to build a relationship, because not only do you end up codependent with the person you are dating, you have no one else you are processing life with in a regular way and your perspective can begin to get very warped and self serving. I don’t know how many people I know who have lost great God given relationships to their selfishness of dating. Your friendships may change as you begin to get involved in a more serious dating relationship, but your core life friendships shouldn’t stop. They should evolve with you and very rarely should the life long godly friendships go away.

An old model from one stream of the church does try and tell you to die to all friendships for the sake of your new love, but this is not only unbiblical…it is an Antichrist message. As a Christian you are dependant on the community that God is raising up around you, not just the new relationship you are pursuing. Even if this is the one you are going to marry. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes everyone in your life to keep you balanced.

6 Overcome your Past Failures. 

If you have had sexual contact or imbalanced relationships, be real about it and then get healing for it fast. Get someone who has maturity to walk you into the fullness of truth in the center of what happened. You will have a tendency to repeat past failures no matter how good you feel now. Every time you cross a line, it creates a pattern in your flesh that your flesh remembers and wants to recreate (substitute penis for flesh if you are thinking right about this). Just being accountable and talking about these things is usually not enough. It’s good to find out how you got there and then also go through self forgiveness and forgiveness for the one you went there with. 

I know that many churches kill their wounded, meaning if you admit weakness you will be looked down upon or disqualified. This is one of the main reasons why so many people don’t just fail, but live in failure. You need help in failure, and there are safe people who can help you.

Single Men Are Innocent Until Proven Guilty. 

Let’s get back to the main overview for you guys. The religious spirit projected upon many men says that you aren’t trustworthy and that you will fail with a woman just because you are a man. 

Let me tell you that you are innocent until proven guilty. Your manhood does not have to be a death sentence to you even with females. If you have failed, you can get back up easily. It just takes work and dedication. Every man has the ability to embrace purity and become super.

Shame is one of our worse enemies and if you live under it, you are going to suffer great limitations. The cross was big enough for all your mistakes to be nailed and left there.

Let me also say…as a father to some and as a brother to others…I have kept everything in my pants and all women’s hands out of my pants…I’m now in my thirties and you can have this kind of purity, even if you are starting today. Some guys think because they have already started the machine that the only answer is to get into a marriage relationship so they can feed it. God can restore your innocence of your flesh and take away even the physical drive to be one with a woman. He restores virginity, which is a spiritual and emotional state of being before it is a physical one.

God gave me grace. I know He can for you too. Maybe it will help some of you to know that there is purity available on a real level even as you get older.

So guys don’t be a Brick. Define your dating boundaries. Come on BE A MAN! 
(and girls if you are reading this—you just made baby Jesus cry …ok ok maybe not. This might have helped you as well).